


Alex's Anxiety

by kassy09



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Queer Relationship, F/F, Gay, Queer Character, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-23 23:12:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9686390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kassy09/pseuds/kassy09
Summary: Alex has an anxiety attack at the DEO and J'onn helps her through it





	1. The Anxiety Attack

“No.” She could feel her skin prickle as beads of sweat quickly rose to the surface. She swallowed, trying to force the dry air down to her lungs – to no avail. A sob shot from her mouth as the room went fuzzy, and somewhere inside she was thanking her lucky stars that she could manage the three steps it took to escape blindly into the dark cupboard that hid behind the door, removing her from the proximity of her fellow co-workers and friends.

Alex was at work, the place she had always felt happiest and most at home, where she was surrounded by her co-workers who were also her closest friends. But day by day, it was becoming a place of isolation, fear, and self-resentment. Most of all, Alex felt confused. This place had not changed – the familiar faces, the job she loved so much, even the familiar smell that used to wash over her like a warm shower after a winter’s day as she entered the building each morning - these things remained, yet now they began to attach new, painful memories of this strange side of her that seemed to take hold more and more. 

This was the worst it had been, she thought as she curled up tight in that dark cupboard. It just took her over, without warning and without mercy. Her body no longer felt her own, all that was left was the pain that radiated from her aching lungs as her body screamed out for oxygen. Even the darkness of the cupboard did nothing to ease the panic, and her sobs grew louder the more she willed them to stop. Frozen in a tight ball, her whole body shook with vehemence. “No,” she managed to moan in between sobs. “I’m stronger than this.” 

Anxiety had been a familiar shadow for as long as she could remember, although it was only recently that this shadow had grown into its name. What used to be an inexplicable feeling of unease that bubbled up in her stomach from time to time had grown into a dark monster that reached out and clung to her entire body, claiming it as its own. But this was not her, this was not Alex, and that scared and confused her.

Alex closed her eyes, and with a renewed sense of strength, she began to focus every ounce of her being into controlling her breath. ‘Breathe in and hold one, two three, four… release’ she repeated over and over in her head until she could feel the oxygen soothing her lungs and beginning to let her reclaim control of her body. She was exhausted. In the darkness of the cupboard, all sense of time remained outside its walls in the bright light of one of the DOA’s interrogation rooms where she’d been doing some paperwork for a case. Alex had no idea how long she’d been in there by the time the door was thrown open and a blurry figure dropped to its knees beside her. “Alex?” J’onn’s voice echoed around the small cupboard’s walls. “What happened?” 

Alex lifted her head and gently patted the tears under her eyes dry with her fingertips. “I’m fine,” She said as she met his gaze, trying with all her might to regain the strong sense of purpose that used to always wrap around her like a big, warm jacket. She knew deep down that J’onn was one of the few people who knew her too well to believe those words. “No, you’re not.” He replied. “I can see that.” Feeling the tears bursting to fall yet again, as the feeling of gratitude to be so understood by someone that she didn’t need that layer of protection all the time, she took a deep breath in and gave herself a few moments to recompose.

J’onn sat down beside her, and just as she was about to speak, he said “Alex, I know you might not want to, or feel ready to talk to me about whatever is going on here. I just want you to know that I’m here, and I always will be. Whenever, and however you need me, okay?” Alex nodded. “I’m not… ready,” She said between quiet hiccups. Can you just, wait with me for a bit?” J’onn wrapped his arm around her back, and she leant her head gently against his shoulder. “As long as you need.” He replied. Alex knew that soon, she was going to need his friendship to come to terms with what she was going through, but right now, she just needed his presence. ‘Soon,’ she promised herself silently.


	2. The Aftermath - Telling Maggie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is in bed with Maggie, trying to bring herself to tell her girlfriend about her anxiety before the day is out.

That night, Alex lay wide awake in bed until the early hours of the morning. She could feel Maggie’s gentle warmth radiating across her body, but the rush of guilt and secrecy she felt by withholding her anxiety from her new girlfriend kept her facing the opposite side of the bed, and only the gentle brush of feet seemed to temporarily ease the pain she felt inside. In her head, there was a brutal tennis match of thoughts going on. More than anything, she wanted to tell Maggie. She knew that when everything else was stripped away, Maggie loved her as she was, and would support her unequivocally. 

Yet, her brain continued to battle its hardest with these thoughts, that having a mental illness was strange and bad, like it was a permanent part of her personality that her whole being was becoming bound together with in a way that could never be undone. Her brain told her that this was something she had to hide. It was certainly different to being in the closet. While subconsciously, perhaps, she had known that she was different, she wasn’t acutely aware of her sexuality until very recently, and with Maggie’s encouragement, she’d come out to the people closest to her pretty quickly. And while there is definitely still a lot of homophobic people in this world, there’s also a lot of supporting people and organisations out there too. With this, she felt alone.

Now, every inch of Alex was screaming out about her anxiety, telling her that she was struggling and needed help. Somehow, though, her brain managed to prevent these voices from expressing themselves in reality. The one person she wanted to tell, the one person she knew would help her get on the right track to getting better, was being barred from knowing by that one part of Alex’s brain that put its foot down without a whisper of explanation. That one person lay about two inches away, who had fallen asleep seeing that Alex was struggling with something, and clearly a little hurt that Alex wouldn’t tell her what was going on. It wasn’t fair on her either.

In her head, Alex created a dialogue of how she might tell Maggie. ‘Mags, I have something I want to talk to you about. About me,’ she thought, her heart racing at the words she was saying in her head. ‘For a while I’ve… I’ve been struggling with something. But it wasn’t that bad, but now…’ Alex swallowed, cutting off the dialogue. ‘No,’ She thought. ‘That sounds too complicated. She’ll definitely think I’m crazy.’ A tear ran down her cheek, and a small sob escaped her mouth. Her body shook as she listened silently to see if Maggie had heard. Nothing. She released the breath she’d been holding in, and suddenly realised how exhausted she was. 

Rolling over, she glanced at her phone. The photo of her and Maggie with their arms wrapped around each other on a walk by the river that was her current phone background distracted her from checking the time, and with a pang of sadness that she felt looking at their happy faces just a few days ago, she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep. Maybe she could fight this on her own - it would probably seem much less dramatic in the morning. ‘Night-time is never a good time to try and think clearly,’ she told herself matter-of-factly. It was probably much less terrible than it seemed right now. 

It would be a new day again tomorrow.


	3. I've Got Something To Tell You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finally manages to tell Maggie, and they spend the morning together at home. This chapter is written partly from Maggie's point of view.

Maggie likes thinking about things. That is something she shares with her beautiful girlfriend, Alex. A big part of their relationship is based on the connection they have about how deep they feel things, and how their experiences are shaped because of this. Indeed, one of Maggie’s favourite pastimes is spending endless hours staring at the night sky out the bedroom window of Alex’s apartment, while they empty themselves of the day’s thoughts and feelings. By now, she’s gotten to know when her girlfriend has something troubling her.

Last night, she knew Alex had something on her mind. Maggie could see that she didn’t feel ready to share that with her just yet, but it was clear that it was troubling her girlfriend as she lay completely still, sometimes holding her breath – possibly without even noticing. But Maggie noticed. Maggie always noticed. So, when she woke up this morning to find Alex already wide awake just staring at the ceiling, frozen still just as she had been last night, she felt Alex’s pain as if it were her own. “Alex, babe, do you wanna talk about something?” Alex rolled over to face Maggie and took her hand in her own. Her fingertips were freezing cold, and Maggie could feel a slight tremble in her hand.

“You know I’m here for you through anything right? If you want to talk I will just lie here with you and listen.” Alex nodded. “I,” she said, her voice catching in her throat. “I’ve been… struggling, recently.” Her words seemed to take all of the oxygen from her body as she sank back into the bed. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to say that to you recently.” Maggie smiled softly and ran her thumb soothingly across the back of Alex’s hand. “I have been feeling really anxious. I mean, I guess I have for a while but it was never that bad. But recently…” Alex paused, and Maggie moved her body closer, tucking a strand of her girlfriend’s hair out of her face and behind her ear. 

“It’s gotten worse?” Maggie asked. “Yeah, a lot worse. I don’t really know why. But it got to the point that I was having them at work. I couldn’t function, Maggie. It got to the point that I started pinpointing exit strategies in every room I went to. I… I had to hide in a broom cupboard the other day, and J’onn found me there. I felt so embarrassed. I’m so sorry I haven’t told you, I just, I was so scared.” Alex was crying now, and she crawled into Maggie’s arms. They were silent for a minute, and Maggie just held her, letting her cry. She knew it was important to let her cry, just giving her warmth and her very presence to help her girlfriend feel as safe as possible. It always helped to feel things, rather than try and pretend they’re not there. That was something Maggie had learnt through experience.

“I’m so sorry,” Maggie murmured after a minute or two. “I’m sorry you’re hurting. But I’m really glad you told me, cause we’re going to make things better together, okay?” Alex took a deep breath. “Okay,” was all she said in reply.

***  
Miraculously, there were no work calls to interrupt their peaceful morning. Both staying in pyjamas, teeth un-brushed, their bare feet padded around the apartment as they spent the time just being together. They made pancakes for breakfast, Nutella and spray cream dolloped on top the way Alex remembered Kara had shared with her as their comfort food during some of the earliest memories with her sister. They sat on the couch with blankets and black coffee, watching Ally McBeal re-runs and snuggling in each-other’s arms. They lay together in bed, just chatting and giving Alex a chance to talk about everything she’d been too afraid to say before. As afternoon broke, she began to feel a bit better.

“You want me to call for you?” Maggie asked as Alex sat on the couch staring at the doctor’s number in her phone. “No,” Alex shook her head. “This is something I want to do. I need help. I want help, and I really understand that now.” She paused and bit her lip. “Okay, maybe just call them. Just call and then I’ll talk.” She let a shy smile hint at the corners of her mouth. Maggie sat down beside her. “I’ll be there every step of the way,” she said, giving her girlfriend a kiss on her forehead as she hit the number, and Alex put the phone to her ear.


	4. The Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has just been to the doctor about her anxiety and is still processing her thoughts and feelings.

When Alex went out when she was feeling anxious, it was awful. She felt like there was something slowly pressing on her chest, something nobody else could see. As if bit by bit, the air was being squeezed from her lungs until she was left wheezing and out of breath. 

That is the way she had explained it to the doctor anyway. It was so strange to put these feelings into words, because for so long she had told herself that none of it was real, that this is how everyone feels sometimes. Alex was lost in this train of thought as she entered the D.E.O., not seeing the waves and smiles from her workmates as she walked by. She hung her jacket on the back of her chair and took a seat.

“And?” J’onn asked, coming over and leaning on the desk beside her. 

“It was… good,” she said, smiling tentatively. She was still processing.

“You’re still processing,” J’onn said. Alex looked up at him, surprised. “Sorry,” he said with his hands held up. “Sometimes I forget that I am actually reading minds - I’m working on it.” Alex laughed. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s nice actually, not having to say everything sometimes.” She admitted.

“I’m proud of you,” J’onn said, smiling. “I’m sure Jeremiah would be too.” He could see the tears spring to her eyes, but reminded himself to block himself from her mind.

“Thanks, J’onn.” She said. “Mind if I go hang out in the training room for a bit?” He nodded, and patted her on the shoulder as she passed by. 

“Left, left, right, left,” Alex panted as her fists came hurling into the faded black punch-bag hanging in the middle of the training room. “Left, left, right, left,” She muttered again, hurling her fists even harder into the bag. “Left, left,…” she stopped, dropping to her knees. Everything felt so tiring right now. Putting herself in such a vulnerable position, accepting her problems and truly working on them, it was draining. She stood up, grabbed her drink bottle and took a seat on the bench that was pushed up against the wall down the back.

This training room had seen Alex at her best and worst moments over the past few years. The first time she came in here, she had no idea what this job, and this community would bring her. It seemed like she would never actually get into the field. Heck, she had spent a year in here almost every day, exhausting every single piece of equipment in order to prepare herself for the final test, and indeed the job that was to follow. 

Later, this room had been a place where she could prepare for surviving the pressures of society and coming to terms with her own feelings and thoughts. She had dealt with coming out in here, she came in here on the odd occasion that Kara had ended up in considerable danger, and that time Kara got too close to kryptonite and it had altered her personality. This room had seen a lot, and now it was seeing another step in Alex’s progress towards accepting herself – a journey she had come to learn would never end, but one that would constantly test her and challenge to be the best person she could be.

This was just another step on the journey, and one she now felt she could handle. The doctor was great, she listened to Alex when she was speaking and asked the right questions at the right time, which made Alex feel safe and understood. She then referred her to a therapist across town who had a lot of clients with various forms of anxiety. Alex had told Maggie yesterday morning, and then J’onn yesterday afternoon. Kara still didn’t know, but Alex wanted to have organised her thoughts before telling her. 

‘Tomorrow,’ she thought. ‘Just one more day.’ She grabbed her bottle and wiped her face on the inside of her shirt, ready to jump into the shower before getting into the work she had to do for the day. She walked through to the showers and stepped into a cubicle. As the cool water ran through her hair and onto her skin, she felt her body shiver with energy. She felt… hope. 

The doctor had said that acknowledging the problem is often the hardest step, that the therapist would help Alex with a plan to get through her panic attacks better, and eventually how to manage herself so she could avoid them all together. Alex finally felt in control again, and that was something anxiety had taken from her before, which only made everything else ten times worse. That loss of control had taken away her hope that things could get better, that she wouldn’t have to live like this forever. But now it was back, thanks just as much to the support from the people around her as it was to her own courage and strength. People, she knew, were the most important thing in her own happiness.


End file.
